The Guy Tribe

To know Doug is to be a part of a clan.  His clan.  Doug has friends literally around the globe.  Partly because he has traveled and partly because he talks to anyone anywhere creating a new best friend before they part company.

I learned about Doug’s uncanny magnetism early in our friendship, before marriage, before dating.  In fact, I had to decide, as I got to know him and watched this magnetic clan phenomenon manifest, if I really wanted to be a part of such a movement.  I recall feeling intimidated by it, a bit awkward and insecure.  It was captivating to witness what Doug remembered and how he could engage just about anyone in a unique individual way.  I wondered what his secret was.  We’ve chuckled over the years about how he may have missed his calling as a CIA agent or a representative of the Special Intelligence Service.

A typical encounter would include Doug using his friend’s name in the greeting and then gently transitioning into asking a question of concern, revealing a memory they both shared or could relate to, and chatting about a current event topic as if no time had passed between them. In the early days, I recall being so taken aback by this “smooth transition” skill he possessed.  When Doug would introduce me into the exchange, I would bumble around with my manners.  I would extend my hand for a handshake and feel the flush in my cheeks as I had already forgotten Doug’s friend’s name.  I would say “hello” and leave it at that.  I guess opposites attract.

Just the other day, we were walking through a crowded mall, and Doug said to me, “Do you see that man up there in front of us walking with that woman? I think that is Sterling and Wanda.” I was scrambling to remember the last time we saw Sterling and Wanda… three years ago…maybe four. And it’s not like they were close friends we saw frequently and spent extended time with. Doug, who has Frontotemporal Dementia, is looking at a couple from the back, walking through a crowded mall environment, and thinks he recognizes two people who are friendly acquaintances at best.  My response was tactful, like, “Are you kidding me? Why do you think that is them?  There’s no way… How do you know what the back of their heads looks like?  It’s not like you can see their faces…” Doug would have none of it.  He sped up his walk, left me behind, and called out, “Sterling??” I wanted to wilt into the crowd.

“Here we go,” I thought as I picked up my gait to rescue Doug from himself. “My husband, with dementia, has started to think he knows everyone in a crowd and will walk up to any random stranger and start a conversation, calling them by some random name… and then”, my thoughts continued, “I will have to go up to these poor random people who have become his victims of embarrassment and apologize for his… randomness and become embarrassed myself and…”

By the time I reached Doug, he was shaking hands and already in conversation.  I felt the dread of an embarrassed apology rise in my chest. 

But guess what?

IT WAS THEM!

The two people, strolling through a crowded mall on a Saturday, weren’t random at all!  They were Sterling and Wanda!  I was dumbfounded. Shocked.  Flabbergasted.  The four of us stood there between Victoria Secret and Hollister and got reacquainted.  Sterling told us that Doug and I have been in their prayers.  They knew about his dementia diagnosis.  We laughed about Doug’s uncanny way of recognizing a face (or a haircut from the back). 

This crazy experience certainly doesn’t reflect what most of us think dementia should look like.  But it does reveal Doug.  It demonstrates what he loves most.  What matters to him most.  People and relationships.

After we parted company with Sterling and Wanda, I asked Doug, “How do you do that?  How did you know it was them?”  He answered, “I never forget a face.”  I wanted to remind him that he never saw their faces before he stopped them… just the backs of their heads… But I thought better of it and left well enough alone. 

Doug has what I fondly call his guy tribe.  He has always had good friends, but since the diagnosis, these guy friends (including family members) have really stepped up.  Some live close, and some live far away.  They are all men, and they have all committed to walking this dementia journey with Doug, wherever it takes them.  They give him rides, call him on the phone, go golfing, fly to town to see him, play pool, enjoy a good cup of coffee, share experiences, pray for him, laugh, tell the truth, and do guy stuff.  But mostly, they care for Doug, and by caring for Doug, they care for me.  These guys let Doug be who he is on any given day, and honestly, some days are better than others. 

With these guys, the smooth conversational transitions I came to expect in Doug’s relationships aren’t necessary, which is a relief.  Frontotemporal Dementia has interrupted his suave way.  Now, because of the speech variant side of this disease, Doug’s effortless, captivating exchanges have sometimes become disrupted by silence, word searches, and lack of recall.  It is now more common to experience bumpy, uneven transitions in conversation.   In fact, one of the early dementia warning signs I noticed (and unwittingly dismissed) was these potholed jolts in the dialogue between Doug and his friends.  I overlooked these signs, justifying them as this or that.  I realize now that it was easier to blame random possibilities for behavior change than to consider the seriousness of what these symptoms might actually have meant.  

Doug’s guy tribe friends graciously answer the same question more than once when Doug unknowingly asks more than once.  I’ve watched some of them patiently wait when Doug’s having a moment, as he gathers his words to make his point, or when he repeats the same story or opinion he has already made.  I’ve seen them laugh together, talk about serious topics, not talk at all, and share grace.

Over the years, I have heard people refer to Doug as their best friend, second father, brother, pastor, buddy, comrade, ally, supporter, leader… I could go on.  Doug genuinely likes people.  Relationships and people matter most to him, and he is a true friend to many.  If you know him, you are the lucky one.

Thanks guys!

Karen